Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Alcohol
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
Fight on 10:40 PM
Blonde Teacher
A Blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says. 'It's best I stay here,' he says.' 'Why?', says the blonde. The boy says: 'Because, I'm the goalie!!'
Fight on 10:34 PM
Monday, October 27, 2008
A Quickie In The Bush
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.' 
Fight on 6:59 AM
The Halloween Costume
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!"
Fight on 6:57 AM
SUPER BUSINESS SLOGANS
SUPER BUSINESS SLOGANS, PART I Local ad for a plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
Fight on 6:55 AM
LOVE STORY IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
LOVE STORY IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were ableto rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Fight on 6:51 AM
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Go to this link http://www.onlinevideodb.com/yt/?watch=Comedy_Now_Starring_Russell_Peters_2008&id=MjRSeWoxeXdvcXchIQ==
i laugh till stomachache while watching it watch it when u are sad it will cheer u up!
Fight on 5:59 AM
Monday, October 20, 2008
** Fixed Price **
3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!
They started to ran like they never did before. At the 80 meter mark, the British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted, 'Long live the Queen' and died.
At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted, 'Banzai' and died.
Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m... ... Bang! He, too, was shot down.
Before he died, he shouted, 'WAH LAO!!' One meter also no discount!'
Fight on 12:09 AM
Sunday, October 19, 2008
What Is That Thing Again?
An American tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed two statues, a man and a woman by the altar.
He asked the monk what was the significance of the two. The monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensures that the universal balance was maintained.
"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."
"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.
"This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-YIU."
Name has been change to avoid upcoming diasters. ahahahs.
However, Most will catch the ball, for what is change still sounds the same.
Fight on 11:57 PM
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Today veri sianz....
wake up then eat then play computer
aiya dont know what to write.............
i cant figure out why the school take our $15 just for Frisbee and rollerblading....
frisbee can ownself bring de lor then still take our $$ T.T
my primary school got the activities for free de lor
then sec school need to pay....
anyway i like frisbee but not like to pay :P
Fight on 10:41 PM
Thursday, October 16, 2008
R for...........
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. 'This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!'
'Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!' said Ah Lian.
'Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!'
So Ah Lian said, 'Let me try! I wan, I wan!'
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the & accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
'Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!
Wah Piang eh!' screamed Ah Beng.
'Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, 'R' for racing mah!'*
Fight on 12:51 AM
11 People on a rope
11 people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men & 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Fight on 12:50 AM
What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?
Ang-mor fairy tales begin with: "Once upon a time..."
Hokkien fairy tales begin with: "Lim Peh ka li kong..."
Fight on 12:40 AM
Miss Singapore Joke...
Miss Singapore competing for the Ms Universe!
Miss Singapore
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.
Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CHEOW !
Judge: ?????????!!!!
Fight on 12:38 AM
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Bra Ads 
This is wat triumph is doing this few yews!
Fight on 7:06 AM
Confusing Chinese Names>
> Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
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> Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
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> Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
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> Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
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> Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
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> Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
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> Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
>
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> Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgen t matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
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> Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
>
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> Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
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> Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!
Fight on 7:06 AM
Saturday, October 11, 2008
OUR HERO!!!
Our Local Hero! BATMAN BIN SUPARMAN
This is what you get when superman and batman have a relation together.
Fight on 11:48 PM
Why Chinese shouldn't have Christian names (die die must read) Anne Chang => Dirty (Mandarin)
Anne Chin => Keep Quiet (Mandarin)
Faye Chen => Dusty (Mandarin)
Carl Cheng => Buttock (Hokkien)
Monica Cheng => Touching your buttocks (Hokkien)
Lucy Leow => You are dead (Hokkien)
Jane Tan => Frying eggs (Mandarin)
Suzie Leow => Lose till death (Hokkien)
Henry Mah => Hate your mum (Mandarin)
Corrine Tai => Poor fellow (Hokkien)
Paul Chan => Bankrupt (Mandarin)
Nelson Tan => Bird laying eggs (Mandarin)
Leslie Tong => Rubbish Bin (Mandarin)
Carmen Teng => Leg hair long (Hokkien)
Connie Mah => Call your mother (Cantonese)
Danny See => Squeeze you to death (Hokkien)
Rosie Teng => Screws and nails (Hokkien)
Pete Tsai => Nose droppings (Hokkien)
Macy Koh => Never die before (Cantonese)
Fight on 10:34 PM
Monday, October 6, 2008
NEVER GO TO BOSS FOR HELP!!!After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that
the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I understood Sir ! thank you sir for all the money you have been giving me, I am sorry for trying to steal from the Company !!!
Fight on 9:51 PM
Saturday, October 4, 2008
why do you want a pay increase
'
Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife (really furious now): 'Did my ****ing husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.' SHE GOT THE RAISE!
Fight on 3:29 AM
Stupid DriverTwo rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe?Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom.The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!"
Fight on 3:26 AM
Teacher-Student Jokes
Teacher:' What is your name?'.
Student:'Mera name Suraj Prakash hai.'
Teacher:' When I ask a question in English, answer it in English.'
Student:' My name is Sunlight.
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Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student: Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
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Question: What is the full form of maths.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students
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Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
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Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student: A holiday
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Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun. Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
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Teacher:' Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? '
Johnny:' Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time.'
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Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)
Fight on 3:24 AM
Pencil :D
A first grade teacher was trying to stimulate creative thinking in her pupils. She stood in front of the class with her hands behind her back and said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's round and it fits in the palm of my hand. Who can guess what it is?"
Billy's hand went up and he asked, "Is it a baseball?"
"No, Billy," replied the teacher, "It's not a baseball. But you're thinking, and I like that."
Suzy's hand went up and she asked, "Is it an orange?"
"No, Suzy," replied the teacher, "It's not an orange. But you're thinking, and I like that."
Then Johnny spoke up: "Hey, teach, I don't know what you got in your hand, but I got something for you in my pocket. It's long and hard and pink on one end."
Shocked, the teacher cried, "Johnny, that's disgusting! You march yourself to the principals office right this instant!"
"Hey, relax," said Johnny. "I was talking about my pencil... But you're thinking, and I like that."
Fight on 3:21 AM
Kissing a nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Fight on 3:18 AM
Daddy, How was I born?
Little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared that said:
"You've Got Male!"
Fight on 3:15 AM
