Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Some things people say in court!
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
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Q: Did he kill you?
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Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
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Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
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Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Fight on 5:36 AM
3 Nurses and a Wish
A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.
"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
Fight on 5:22 AM
Ah Beng's Jokes
1
Q: Why did Ah Beng go to a X-rated movie with his 18 friends?
A: Because below 18 not allowed Lah !
2
Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : 'Do you have color TV ?'
Salesgirl : 'Yes !'
Ah Beng : 'Give me a green one, please '
3
Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address
etc.
Then he comes to column on 'Salary Expected', but he is not sure
of the question. After much thought, he writes ' Yes '
4
Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : 'What is that shiny object ?'
Salesgirl : 'That is a thermos flask.'
Ah Beng : 'What does it do ?'
Salesgirl : 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold'
Ah Beng : 'I'll buy it'
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss : 'What is that shiny object ?'
Ah Beng : 'It's a thermos flask.'
Boss : 'What does it do ?'
Ah Beng : 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold'
Boss : 'What do you have in it !?'
Ah Beng : 'Two cups of coffee and one scoop of ice cream'
5
After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares
it with the original for spelling mistakes.
6
Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks
his picture is being taken.
7
Q: Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
A: Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
8
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help'
command after some tries.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer
retailer for support.
Ah Beng : 'I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been
over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!'
9
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he
answered, 'I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but
instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear, lah' 'Oh dear !' the doctor exclaimed
in disbelief. 'But ..what happened to the other ear ?'
Ah Beng answered : 'That stupid dumbo called back again lah !!!!'
10
Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng: 'COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
Taipei AND LAS VEGAS ?'
Operator: 'JUST A MINUTE...'
Ah Beng : 'THANK YOU , lah' AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE
11
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for
quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to
a friend.
'It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT', Ah Beng brags.
'FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG', the friend exclaims.
'YOU ARE A FOOL.' Ah Beng replies, 'SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
FOR 4-7 YRS'.
12
At a bar in New York , the man to Ah Beng's left tells the
bartender,
'JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE'
and his companion says , 'JACK DANIELS, SINGLE'.
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, 'AND YOU, SIR ?'
Ah Beng replies : 'Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah'
Fight on 5:13 AM
The Angry Genie
One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
Fight on 4:43 AM
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Fight on 9:41 AM
Monday, November 3, 2008
Now you know everything !
'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand. 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. (Are you doubting this?) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right? The words 'racecar,' 'kayak', 'madam' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.) There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious .' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.) A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!) Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also) Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.) The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. There are more chickens than people in the world. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Now you know more than you did before!!
LOL Peanuts are Explosive !!!
Fight on 7:38 AM
